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[wearingthestars]

you've reached: BILLY KAPLAN



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[doubled_speed]

He's just scared. Tommy's abandonment issues ran so damn deep at this point. But he wants to laugh at the question. At least he's now old enough, and honest enough, to admit it.

"I've always been the scared twin, Billy. I'm just a lot better than you at hiding it. Have been for a long time. My powers are literally about running away. Always away, because there wasn't things to run to. And when there was..."

And when there was he'd made it fucking awkward time and time again with David. Then he'd been here and lost things all over again, the universe lashing out maybe.

"I may be bigger in some ways, and stronger, but I'm not the one the universe wants. Maybe you're afraid of what you'll become someday, but I've been afraid of what I am since I was old enough to realize I-"

Wasn't what his parents wanted. That they'd never want something like him. Someone like him.

"I've never been that strong. And I'm scared a lot of the time. Just not over the same things other people are."

[wearingthestars]

It's the same thing it always comes back to, and Billy still doesn't have a good retort. He didn't ask to be what he was, but it still cast a shadow on his brother.

"...fuck the universe," he offers finally, and given Billy doesn't casually swear as often as some, it means more when he does.

"I want you. Our friends want you. Your friends want you. And the world is bigger than the stupid demiurge. It doesn't mean you aren't amazing and talented and everything else."

[doubled_speed]

Universe is pretty big to go and fuck, Billy. They aren't packing enough to manage that. What's frustrating is that it so often comes back to this. Tommy feeling like he has to try and prove his value to the universe and not knowing how to feel like he has. And Billy getting to listen about it.

Because no one else here but Tony even got just what they really were, and so he couldn't just go talking to them. Normally he'd take this shit to Eli who would roll his eyes and then kick Tommy's ass at arm wrestling and they'd have cookies. Or he'd go see Kate and tease her and she'd remind him that he's shiny but not that shiny. Or something else.

"Sorry man. You didn't sign up for yet another existential crisis."

[wearingthestars]

"You're probably still owed a few after mine..." Billy tries to joke. After all, his lasted a whole lot longer.

"Is that really the reason you're holding back on exploring this with other-Billy? Or are they two separate things? Cause I can't help if I don't know what we're dealing with."

[doubled_speed]

There was that. Also Tommy's existential crises didn't tend to get Billy kidnapped by an extradimensional freak like the Patrinot. Usually. Unless Billy hasn't told him something.

"He's still young and straight," Tommy points out. "And I value our friendship. The him disappearing is... probably stupid but I've got a fucking track record so it's still scary."

[wearingthestars]

That. Yes. It's a big that.

"Well, excluding the disappearing part- if those are serious values for you, then yeah, you have to decide if that's something you want to pursue or not. People have crushes on their friends all the time, it's a pop culture staple though, so either way, it's only something that will ruin a friendship if it wasn't that great a friendship to start with."

[doubled_speed]

"Pop culture is so lame," he groans. But really, a relationship that starts as friendship isn't bad. It means you trust them more. Love them for who they are more.

As for the other thing, Billy's PROBABLY only not seeing the age issue because he's got it bad for a MUCH older man.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. He's straight and dealing with shit and I'm not putting all this on him because I can't control my flirting and I thought I saw a look or something."

[wearingthestars]

He did at least admit that from the start, to be fair.

"...show me the look?" Billy prompts, motioning for Tommy to do his best impression of it so he can judge.

[doubled_speed]

What? The actual? Fuck?

"Dude, I can't show you a look without you being in my brain!"

[wearingthestars]

"...It's called acting, Dude," Billy says with a pointed look.
"You can't mimic the look?" He easily shifts into a dreamy sort of look and then back to neutral.

[doubled_speed]

"I'm not the one that acts," he lies. His acts aren't romantic and dreamy. That's not suited to his coloration of their shared face. Clearly.

"No, not really. I can't... Man it probably wasn't even a look!"

[wearingthestars]

"What do you and Kate even talk about?" Honestly, half of his and Kate's hang outs involve talking about/dissecting boys and drinking.

"And if it was a look?"

[doubled_speed]

Seriously? Tommy rolls his eyes.

"Boys, but not in the 'who is pretty' and 'does he like me' sense. In a 'how does he fuck' sense."

Sorry, he has no shame on that. Plus gossip. They LOVE gossip.

"I doubt it was a look man."

[wearingthestars]

"You think we don't talk about that?" Billy counters with a smirk, though his head does duck a bit shyly. It's easier with Kate.

"Whatever you say, Tommy."

[doubled_speed]

And here Tommy rolls his eyes.

"And we aren't shy about it. Or blushing. We just talk about it frankly. But I bet if I tried to get in one word about how David is in bed, you'd freak."

And he'd rather talk about that over the 'definitely not a look' that he totally didn't even get.

[wearingthestars]

"I"m not shy," Billy defends, definitely blushing now, "We just don't...talk about that stuff." Normally. He does wince a little, not super eager to hear about how good David is is bed for multiple reasons. "And you wouldn't do the same if I started talking about Teddy-?" he counters automatically, pausing then with a guilty expression.

[doubled_speed]

Come on, man. All of David's skills in bed are literally the skills of the X-Men. That's good to talk about.

"We don't talk about you and Teddy for entirely different reasons."

Which were related to Billy's feelings of guilt, Tommy's certainty of their marriage and how weird that is to know he's not getting little nephews and nieces just yet, and the fact that Tommy had the largest crush on Teddy for a long time and really didn't need to know what he fucked like causing old fantasies to flicker back to life. That would be bad. Thanks.

[wearingthestars]

Skills he maybe wanted to use with/on Teddy. Billy might not be as over that kiss as he wants to be.

"Before," he mumbles, but clearly he's all ready conceded defeat when it comes to this argument.

[doubled_speed]

Tommy can very much vouch for the fact that David does not seem particularly interested in using those skills on Teddy at his point in time back home. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Which of course gets a whole other guilt rekindled in his gut.

Can you be unfaithful to someone you're not even with?

"Before, after, whatever. You'd never talk about it with me anyway."

[wearingthestars]

It's a question Billy's been mentally dodging for a while now. Who knows....?

"...I try to talk with you about Soldier," he mumbles. Not their sex life or anything, but- he has tried to broach the subject.

[doubled_speed]

Tommy wants to roll his eyes. Because isn't that the problem?

"Not so much, B. I'm still in the processing phase on the implication that you two really are a couple. Literally today years old on learning that one," Tommy notes. Running off to live with a dude doesn't mean relationship after all. Tommy had done it once or twice. There had been implications, but generally he didn't assume Billy's relationship status from those.

Christ, he's been to Billy's wedding. Twice. Once where Billy literally got Noh-Varr there on short notice but snubbed the guy important in Tommy's life. He can handle a little talking about Billy's happiness.

(And holding back lamentations about how billy finds true emotional connections twice and Tommy doesn't even know what he gets.)

"You know I'll respect your fucking choices, right? Even if I am still processing them? I'm not Pietro and you're not Wanda. We don't need to be fucking drama queens that have to break the world to talk. Or not talk."

[wearingthestars]

"...I tried to talk about him at the buffet," Billy defends, but its with a guilty look as he realizes maybe he never really did elaborate between the initial telling him he had feelings and the moving in with him.

"...you've been to my wedding. It feels weird to talk to you about liking another guy without wondering what you must think of me," he admits.

[doubled_speed]

"Been to it twice and I'd go a third time and pick an even more embarrassing suit," Tommy promises.

But yes, the buffet.

"When you phrased it as 'more than mentor' it was a lot, okay? Like, I don't need to know if you're sparring partners with benefits or whatever. Hell I still don't know your status with him. But there was food. You can't talk about potential sex when there is food!"

It's a rule. Even for Tommy. Food and fucking are different realms. Never shall the two meet. At least not if you don't want to put your high caloric need twin off his meal.

But... he sighs.

"Why would I judge you when I'm the fucking easy ass whore in the family?"

[wearingthestars]

"And that doesn't make you...I dunno- not super into me liking someone else? Teddy's your friend-" It's obviously something Billy is still feeling guilt over.

"...we haven't discussed labels," he explains with an awkward flush, "I didn't really know the right term. Boyfriend, I think- or- ...Partner?"

He gives Tommy a confused look. "Since when are you an easy ass whore?"

[doubled_speed]

"Teddy's also my brother. And your friend. And unlike you, I've been home since all of this started. I know how fucked up memories from here are."

Is it fair to go to someone else if you won't remember it? No, that's not justified. But when, in a way, you're sorta like dead? That's another thing.

"Billy, we're on a space station with lots of hot people from hot species," Tommy points out.