wearingthestars | TRP Inbox

"Well then don't. If it bothers you then don't. But if you're actually asking me, you're both adults and what the fuck does college age even mean? Soldier could be college age. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I think you're some creep or whatever. But if you feel like that is something that makes someone a creep? Don't do it. Simple."

Fucking hell, Billy. Maybe he should have asked someone else. But who else could he ask? Fuck.

"You're really not being the little manifestation of morality on my shoulder, B."

"He's an adult. And frankly, you're pretty damn stunted, so- no, I don't see any reason to be the angel on your shoulder telling you 'no'." Billy shrugs, "And even when I did, you weren't satisfied, so maybe you need to think about what you really want."

Stunted? What the actual fuck? Tommy looks highly offended by that very suggestion.

"Literally older than you in body and perception of time. Speedsters age faster than their witches because we've got more hours in our days."

Okay, now he's too upset over being called stunted to be worried over Hargrove. So whatever man.

Okay, poor choice of words. Definitely.

"Fine. You're a wise old man, and you should feel bad about being into that defenseless nineteen year old. Better? Happy now?"

No. He's not. Because his brother thinks he's stunted. Now Tommy feels horrible.

"Am I really that childish in your eyes?" he asks, because he's hurt here. All the hard work he's put in over the last few years, all the responsibilities, is it for nothing?

Billy huffs, but he pushes asides his frustration to shake his head apologetically.

"...no, I'm just- I just don't get why you're making this so complicated. Why do you fight so hard not to be happy all the time?"

Maybe because he knows he's not supposed to be happy. Maybe because when he gets close to people here they leave or they betray him. Maybe because his romances all end with such an ache of loss.

Maybe because he knows the universe wanted Billy and he's a consolation prize that people don't really care for.

"I'm not sure happiness and me are meant to get along, you know?"

"Well it doesn't help that you're constantly working against it," Billy counters with a sigh. They've had this talk before though. And he feels like nothing he's said has ever quite been right or what Tommy wants to hear to help him.

"Since when are you the scared twin, hmm? You're supposed to be the big brave strong one."

He's just scared. Tommy's abandonment issues ran so damn deep at this point. But he wants to laugh at the question. At least he's now old enough, and honest enough, to admit it.

"I've always been the scared twin, Billy. I'm just a lot better than you at hiding it. Have been for a long time. My powers are literally about running away. Always away, because there wasn't things to run to. And when there was..."

And when there was he'd made it fucking awkward time and time again with David. Then he'd been here and lost things all over again, the universe lashing out maybe.

"I may be bigger in some ways, and stronger, but I'm not the one the universe wants. Maybe you're afraid of what you'll become someday, but I've been afraid of what I am since I was old enough to realize I-"

Wasn't what his parents wanted. That they'd never want something like him. Someone like him.

"I've never been that strong. And I'm scared a lot of the time. Just not over the same things other people are."

It's the same thing it always comes back to, and Billy still doesn't have a good retort. He didn't ask to be what he was, but it still cast a shadow on his brother.

"...fuck the universe," he offers finally, and given Billy doesn't casually swear as often as some, it means more when he does.

"I want you. Our friends want you. Your friends want you. And the world is bigger than the stupid demiurge. It doesn't mean you aren't amazing and talented and everything else."

Universe is pretty big to go and fuck, Billy. They aren't packing enough to manage that. What's frustrating is that it so often comes back to this. Tommy feeling like he has to try and prove his value to the universe and not knowing how to feel like he has. And Billy getting to listen about it.

Because no one else here but Tony even got just what they really were, and so he couldn't just go talking to them. Normally he'd take this shit to Eli who would roll his eyes and then kick Tommy's ass at arm wrestling and they'd have cookies. Or he'd go see Kate and tease her and she'd remind him that he's shiny but not that shiny. Or something else.

"Sorry man. You didn't sign up for yet another existential crisis."

"You're probably still owed a few after mine..." Billy tries to joke. After all, his lasted a whole lot longer.

"Is that really the reason you're holding back on exploring this with other-Billy? Or are they two separate things? Cause I can't help if I don't know what we're dealing with."

There was that. Also Tommy's existential crises didn't tend to get Billy kidnapped by an extradimensional freak like the Patrinot. Usually. Unless Billy hasn't told him something.

"He's still young and straight," Tommy points out. "And I value our friendship. The him disappearing is... probably stupid but I've got a fucking track record so it's still scary."

That. Yes. It's a big that.

"Well, excluding the disappearing part- if those are serious values for you, then yeah, you have to decide if that's something you want to pursue or not. People have crushes on their friends all the time, it's a pop culture staple though, so either way, it's only something that will ruin a friendship if it wasn't that great a friendship to start with."

"Pop culture is so lame," he groans. But really, a relationship that starts as friendship isn't bad. It means you trust them more. Love them for who they are more.

As for the other thing, Billy's PROBABLY only not seeing the age issue because he's got it bad for a MUCH older man.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. He's straight and dealing with shit and I'm not putting all this on him because I can't control my flirting and I thought I saw a look or something."

He did at least admit that from the start, to be fair.

"...show me the look?" Billy prompts, motioning for Tommy to do his best impression of it so he can judge.

What? The actual? Fuck?

"Dude, I can't show you a look without you being in my brain!"

"...It's called acting, Dude," Billy says with a pointed look.
"You can't mimic the look?" He easily shifts into a dreamy sort of look and then back to neutral.

"I'm not the one that acts," he lies. His acts aren't romantic and dreamy. That's not suited to his coloration of their shared face. Clearly.

"No, not really. I can't... Man it probably wasn't even a look!"

"What do you and Kate even talk about?" Honestly, half of his and Kate's hang outs involve talking about/dissecting boys and drinking.

"And if it was a look?"

Seriously? Tommy rolls his eyes.

"Boys, but not in the 'who is pretty' and 'does he like me' sense. In a 'how does he fuck' sense."

Sorry, he has no shame on that. Plus gossip. They LOVE gossip.

"I doubt it was a look man."

"You think we don't talk about that?" Billy counters with a smirk, though his head does duck a bit shyly. It's easier with Kate.

"Whatever you say, Tommy."

And here Tommy rolls his eyes.

"And we aren't shy about it. Or blushing. We just talk about it frankly. But I bet if I tried to get in one word about how David is in bed, you'd freak."

And he'd rather talk about that over the 'definitely not a look' that he totally didn't even get.

"I"m not shy," Billy defends, definitely blushing now, "We just don't...talk about that stuff." Normally. He does wince a little, not super eager to hear about how good David is is bed for multiple reasons. "And you wouldn't do the same if I started talking about Teddy-?" he counters automatically, pausing then with a guilty expression.

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